An unfinished story of healing and hope....
I grew up in northwestern Pennsylvania, McKean County, the eldest of 5 children, fatherless and low-income. My sporadic dad decided to pursue another bride and start yet another family after being married to my Mom for just a few years. I know what it's like to be a child of divorce. Thankfully, my mother made Christ the Lord of her life during those early years and she became heavily involved in Child Evangelism Fellowship. Following one of her after school "Good News Clubs", I quietly prayed to asked Jesus into my heart while we sat on the edge of her bed and talked. It was the day before my 5th birthday. After that , my life was a veritable bed of roses. THE END!
Well.....not quite. By the age of 13 or 14, I was hanging out with friends who liked to drink and participate in other delinquently juvenile activities. But, at the age of 15, I decided to give CEF a try for myself and I attended Christian Youth in Action training at Camp Cherry Run, near Rimersburg, PA in early summer of 1979. It was there that I began to discover what it was like to have a personal relationship with the Lord for myself. I began to learn what it meant to trust him. I then spent the next 5 summers teaching the "5 Day Clubs" in backyards all over western PA, and even one summer in western Scotland, Great Britain. That happened immediately after graduation from high school, and when I returned from Scotland, I began studies at Lancaster Bible College, in Lancaster PA, in the fall of 1981.
I planned to become a pastor while I majored in theology and minored in pastoral studies and church music. But then.....I blew it. Yes, I got kicked out of Lancaster Bible College, during the fall of 1984 in what should have been my senior year. Although, it actually was my mid sophomore/junior year because I was so far behind in my studies due a lack of effort and a lot of goofing off. But let's just say I broke the college's rules on relationships with the opposite sex, and got caught. I was shocked and dumbfounded about being suspended from school for one year, but still hoped to return one day. Looking back now, I recognized this as a time when I really needed help overcoming some issues about sex and love. I had a problem, and I needed help. I didn't know at the time that I needed help, but I sincerely believe that getting help would have made a significant difference in the outcome of the next several years and chapters in my life.
Didn't happen. Instead, life happened. I went to California for awhile to find work, women and wine. I found all three, sure enough, but longed to come back to PA close to my friends and family. I did, then met and married the first girl that I ever got pregnant. Big mistake(s)! Although I had two wonderful sons as a result of that marriage, I married a woman scorned whom I just could not live with. A woman who made my life mostly miserable to the point that I was not even the same person anymore.
I tried to stay in the marriage for the sake of my sons, but after many counseling sessions, several separations (one lasting for 15 months) and even experiencing some physical altercations between the two of us, I decided that I just couldn't do it anymore. I know that divorce is not rated very highly by God (which sins are?) but I knew that I had to have the courage to get out if I valued peace and sanity in my life, not only for my own sake, but for the sake of my sons as well. So I stayed away from my wife, especially after the restraining order demanding that I stay away from her....and my two sons! I had no problem staying away from her, but was heartbroken being kept from my boys. She even stooped low enough to accuse me of molesting my sons and succeeded in keeping my youngest son away from me for three and a half years! The same three and a half years where I lived in a room by myself. The same room where I spent many hours alone and crying out to God to heal my hurts and to reunite me with my little boy.
I was a father with a broken heart. During those years God took me back to a time when I was sexually abused as a young boy. As a result, I had the wrong ideas about sex and love, including hard to control urges for intimacy with the opposite sex. I struggled with acceptance and selfishness with an insatiable desire for physical affection. I read a wonderful book, "The Wounded Heart" by Dr. Dan Allender which taught me to allow God to reveal the ugly wounds in my life in order to expose the "infections" and to let the Master Surgeon perform life-saving, healing surgery. It took time, but I walked... no, crawled.... inch by painful inch to become whole and free again. Sometimes the most difficult thing for anyone to do, is to face the truth about yourself. Is it easy? No! It's hard work to uncover the layers and the strongholds built by years of letting the devil have his way, wreaking havoc in your life. Believe me, it takes courage, strength and faith. But God is faithful and His grace is sufficient.
Eventually, I finally found the right lawyer and a judge with some common sense. I regained visitation and partial custody rights to both of my sons as the court found not one "scintillate of evidence" that I had ever abused my children. This came after extensive and probing counseling sessions with a court-appointed psychologist who met many times with myself and my son. Walking out of that courtroom that day with both of my boys in tow, and some of my family there to support us, was something like a scene out of a movie with the happiest ending, ever! will never forget that day.
Honestly, to this day I continue to struggle with some of the same issues that haunt me from my past. But I am working hard toward complete healing, surrender and wholeness.
Today, I have a great relationship with both my sons. Colby is currently with Special Forces in the US Air Force. Derek is finishing his senior year at a college in Ohio with nearly a full financial ride, taking Musical Theater and Voice. I'm so proud of my boys! I am now happily remarried to a woman who loves the Lord, and I am finishing my studies with Lancaster Bible College online. I will have my Bachelor's degree by the end of this summer (2013) and hope to begin the process of ordination shortly afterward.
I will be seeking a position in full time ministry as I know that God has given me a pastor's heart. You know, God can change and heal you, too......but only if you let Him! I encourage you to give Him a chance to change you, you will never regret it!
I grew up in northwestern Pennsylvania, McKean County, the eldest of 5 children, fatherless and low-income. My sporadic dad decided to pursue another bride and start yet another family after being married to my Mom for just a few years. I know what it's like to be a child of divorce. Thankfully, my mother made Christ the Lord of her life during those early years and she became heavily involved in Child Evangelism Fellowship. Following one of her after school "Good News Clubs", I quietly prayed to asked Jesus into my heart while we sat on the edge of her bed and talked. It was the day before my 5th birthday. After that , my life was a veritable bed of roses. THE END!
Well.....not quite. By the age of 13 or 14, I was hanging out with friends who liked to drink and participate in other delinquently juvenile activities. But, at the age of 15, I decided to give CEF a try for myself and I attended Christian Youth in Action training at Camp Cherry Run, near Rimersburg, PA in early summer of 1979. It was there that I began to discover what it was like to have a personal relationship with the Lord for myself. I began to learn what it meant to trust him. I then spent the next 5 summers teaching the "5 Day Clubs" in backyards all over western PA, and even one summer in western Scotland, Great Britain. That happened immediately after graduation from high school, and when I returned from Scotland, I began studies at Lancaster Bible College, in Lancaster PA, in the fall of 1981.
I planned to become a pastor while I majored in theology and minored in pastoral studies and church music. But then.....I blew it. Yes, I got kicked out of Lancaster Bible College, during the fall of 1984 in what should have been my senior year. Although, it actually was my mid sophomore/junior year because I was so far behind in my studies due a lack of effort and a lot of goofing off. But let's just say I broke the college's rules on relationships with the opposite sex, and got caught. I was shocked and dumbfounded about being suspended from school for one year, but still hoped to return one day. Looking back now, I recognized this as a time when I really needed help overcoming some issues about sex and love. I had a problem, and I needed help. I didn't know at the time that I needed help, but I sincerely believe that getting help would have made a significant difference in the outcome of the next several years and chapters in my life.
Didn't happen. Instead, life happened. I went to California for awhile to find work, women and wine. I found all three, sure enough, but longed to come back to PA close to my friends and family. I did, then met and married the first girl that I ever got pregnant. Big mistake(s)! Although I had two wonderful sons as a result of that marriage, I married a woman scorned whom I just could not live with. A woman who made my life mostly miserable to the point that I was not even the same person anymore.
I tried to stay in the marriage for the sake of my sons, but after many counseling sessions, several separations (one lasting for 15 months) and even experiencing some physical altercations between the two of us, I decided that I just couldn't do it anymore. I know that divorce is not rated very highly by God (which sins are?) but I knew that I had to have the courage to get out if I valued peace and sanity in my life, not only for my own sake, but for the sake of my sons as well. So I stayed away from my wife, especially after the restraining order demanding that I stay away from her....and my two sons! I had no problem staying away from her, but was heartbroken being kept from my boys. She even stooped low enough to accuse me of molesting my sons and succeeded in keeping my youngest son away from me for three and a half years! The same three and a half years where I lived in a room by myself. The same room where I spent many hours alone and crying out to God to heal my hurts and to reunite me with my little boy.
I was a father with a broken heart. During those years God took me back to a time when I was sexually abused as a young boy. As a result, I had the wrong ideas about sex and love, including hard to control urges for intimacy with the opposite sex. I struggled with acceptance and selfishness with an insatiable desire for physical affection. I read a wonderful book, "The Wounded Heart" by Dr. Dan Allender which taught me to allow God to reveal the ugly wounds in my life in order to expose the "infections" and to let the Master Surgeon perform life-saving, healing surgery. It took time, but I walked... no, crawled.... inch by painful inch to become whole and free again. Sometimes the most difficult thing for anyone to do, is to face the truth about yourself. Is it easy? No! It's hard work to uncover the layers and the strongholds built by years of letting the devil have his way, wreaking havoc in your life. Believe me, it takes courage, strength and faith. But God is faithful and His grace is sufficient.
Eventually, I finally found the right lawyer and a judge with some common sense. I regained visitation and partial custody rights to both of my sons as the court found not one "scintillate of evidence" that I had ever abused my children. This came after extensive and probing counseling sessions with a court-appointed psychologist who met many times with myself and my son. Walking out of that courtroom that day with both of my boys in tow, and some of my family there to support us, was something like a scene out of a movie with the happiest ending, ever! will never forget that day.
Honestly, to this day I continue to struggle with some of the same issues that haunt me from my past. But I am working hard toward complete healing, surrender and wholeness.
Today, I have a great relationship with both my sons. Colby is currently with Special Forces in the US Air Force. Derek is finishing his senior year at a college in Ohio with nearly a full financial ride, taking Musical Theater and Voice. I'm so proud of my boys! I am now happily remarried to a woman who loves the Lord, and I am finishing my studies with Lancaster Bible College online. I will have my Bachelor's degree by the end of this summer (2013) and hope to begin the process of ordination shortly afterward.
I will be seeking a position in full time ministry as I know that God has given me a pastor's heart. You know, God can change and heal you, too......but only if you let Him! I encourage you to give Him a chance to change you, you will never regret it!
